GOD IS SO RUDE

THE WAR: WANT VS CAN

DARLIN IF YOU JACKET: MISFITMAKINGS

I buried my mother September 9th. The next day I had to take my father to urgent care where we found out he had pneumonia in both lungs but they sent him home with no antibiotics. The next day I begged my friend to take him to the ER because the more I thought about it I realized how dangerous it was that he went home, my dad just turned 69 on September 5th however I could not take him because I was sick that day so away he was taken to the ER and upon arrival they figured out that he had Covid, Pneumonia and blood clots. They ironically enough sent him home the very next day. Now, if you can breathe on your own, you're not dealing with anything that's considered enough of an emergency for them to keep you. GOD forbid something go wrong when you get home because home is indeed where you will be.

MISFITMAKINGS

My father being the wonderful ambitious person that he is wouldn't stay in his room nor would he wear a mask when he was in the house. Due to grief, I have not been so successful however I have been trying to keep myself healthy so that I can work because unfortunately bills do not stop because you're almost in too much emotional pain to breathe. Pity right? So I couldn't afford to be over there. I don't work a conventional job so there's no grief time if I don't work I flat out have no money. My mother passed September 1st and I've worked a total of 4 full days so 14 days of quarantine is NOT in my best fiscal interest. All facts given I was finally able to go over to the house on Tuesday. I made Chicken Parm and Spaghetti and took my father some since the coast was finally clear. That was the first time I had been in the house since the funeral and when I shut the door to leave the pain just rushed in. My face was completely wet with tears before I got to the end of the sidewalk.

MISFITMAKINGS

I was driving on my way to take someone else some food and I was just falling apart. I've said it before and if you knew me and my mother, hate us or love us it was obvious how I felt about her. I check my metrics and a lot of the traffic coming to this blog is New and to that I say HOORAY, but you may not know so let me reiterate that I was and will always be a very big mommies girl. My mom saw how things went for me and she knew contrary to very popular belief that I didn't make up how hard and unfair things were because she saw the stuff with her own eyes and because of that she made sure her love compensated for the holes and mistreatment and being misunderstood. Needless to say losing her is not a feeling I can articulate and do justice.

Driving that car I just cried and cried and I said I can't live without her.... I just can't do this. The Lord said to me so clear and so plainly "You don't WANT to do it but you CAN do it." When HE said it my tears stopped immediately and something shook on the inside of me. The human part of me could have chosen to be mad and say I have every right to fall apart, you don't know how I feel. But here is the key to Millenials and this badge of incompleteness that we wear because we exploit the fact that now people can't and won't tell you certain things anymore because of this kill truth and coddle EVERYTHING era we live in, What GOD said to me say sound cruel but it was 100% correct. The reality is that I need to recover no matter how entitled to pain and time for pain I am, if HE is presenting me with a way to see my strength and the strength HE has given me why wouldn't I choose that? We get so caught up in how we think we deserve to feel and the desire for attention and to be coddled that when we're shown how to do, be and actually feel better we don't even hear or see the way out because we've become attention whores. And I'll do you one better, even the way people feel about me has worked in my favor because I've never had the luxury of having people be "so concerned" about me so I don't look for the sympathy I look for the solution because no ones coming to hug me. While most people would throw a pity party and maybe even off themselves over such a thing, especially in this situation, the truth of the matter is that this has done me such a solid because I've had to choose maturity even in this and been choosing it so long that it's a habit now.

MISFITMAKINGS

GOD can talk to me in a way that some may consider rude or insensitive because HE knows it will grow me up. When there is trust between two parties they are able to say things to each other that no one else could because they know there is no ill-intent or ill-will. I called my mother Mattie Moss Clark. That lady almost never had anything good to say about my virtual concerts and things I would show her. She ALWAYS had something to say but I know how my mom felt about me, there was 100% trust so when she said something. Sometimes she got on my freakin nerves, I aint gone lie, but I knew she meant well. My mom heard me do THOUSANDS of imaginary concerts in our house (and that is no jive lol), she knew what I was capable of, she wanted the world to know. She was also aware of how people handled me so she wanted things perfect so they would have to pay homage. I said ALL of that to say there is a trust between me and GOD to where I don't have to question HIS motive anymore. HIS methodology, sometimes/all the time but I know HE is a forward thinker. HE knows how to get the best out of you.

If you assess your life HONESTLY (key word) the good times feel good and generate good memories but if you want to talk about life changing moments where you saw your strength you will have to acknowledge that it was in those horrendous moments where you made mature decisions that you learned the magic you were made of. Knowing that, when HE made that statement to me on Tuesday it did something to me and I knew HE was right. GOD won't put more on us than we can bare and because I trust HIM I believe that but for those who find religion makes you squeemish I'll do you one better. My mother wouldn't have left me unless HE assured her that I could handle this. She saw how poorly I handled my grandfathers death she had to get reassurance. When she would hear my voice those last few days she responded to me in ways she didn't anybody else. Not because she loved me more but because of how our relationship was built. Tony has a fiancé that my mother loved, she knew he'd be okay but she knew that she was ALL I HAD so me being good had to be assured. In knowing that, now when the pain comes I let it hit because you have to but I've changed my response to it and even how I view it and because of that it's effecting me differently now. Instead of me wondering if I'm going to live through this or if I can make it without her or will it ever freakin stop I just let the pain hit because it has a job and there is a schedule that this is on. It's not here to kill me, I'm the assassin. It's here to do it's job and make sure she (the assassin) emerges.

MISFITMAKINGS

My plea today is for the people in pain. I'm here encase you don't believe in GOD or think you can't hear HIM. I'm here to be that voice and tell you you may not want to survive but I promise you can. The only missing link is your belief. You are a lot stronger than you know. Take giving up off the table. Take suicide off the table. Take running away off the table. Learn the difference between what you WANT to handle and what you CAN handle because believe it or not there is a very big difference. In the war of WANT vs CAN fight for the side of CAN and WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!