GOOD GRIEF

DEALING WITH LOSING MY SECURITY BLANKET. JUST CALL ME LINUS

TOP: PRETTY LITTLE THING

SKIRT: FASHIONNOVA

So yesterday we buried my world. My mother passed away on September 1st 2021. She was my baby. Me and her joked that I was her spouse. I never saw my life without her, NEVER and as bad as she felt in her body we were all holding on to faith. I saw how it looked but in the words of my Ant Janet (and I know that's not how you spell Aunt but that's how I say it pertaining to her lol) "she was such a giant of faith that we never thought she'd go down".

Now that she's gone looking back on certain things that she said and didn't say we believe she knew but she could never say a word because NONE of us that were close to her were going to let her go. On August 28th around 4am I heard the Lord say "I'm coming to get her". I told the Lord NO! Hours later my dog Bubbles, passed away under the bed right underneath of my mommy. Me and my brother couldn't even grieve my dog because we knew we had to pray death out of the room. (Tony is my Wondatwin if you didn't know, he is my brother) We prayed for a good two hours and we watched my moms eyes roll around while we prayed but at the end she told us she was hungry and told us she had to go to the bathroom. Then she proceeded to say a few other comical things. That was the last time that I heard my mother speak.

TOP: PRETTY LITTLE THING

SKIRT: FASHIONNOVA

Sunday I came to stay with her while my father was gone and she was very quiet. I couldn't really get her to eat her popsicle. It upset me but I refused to speak anything negative. Monday when I got there after work she hadn't done anything all day and she actually left here. Her eyes went up in her head and her mouth dropped open. I yelled "MOM....MOM". My brother yelled "MOM" and then I said "STAY HERE MOMMY.......MOMMY STAY HERE". She started blinking and looked at us. Me and my brother sat in there and prayed for an hour. I could actually feel her God Mothers in the room trying to take her with them. I called them by name and told them go back without her.

Tuesday she didn't do much, while I was there she actually drank some Gatorade. She opened her mouth and drank it on her own but after I left she wouldn't drink anything else.

I woke up 3am Wednesday and never went back to sleep. I felt so uneasy and then at 5:45am my phone rang. It was my brother and he said "Riecee you gotta come now, Mommy is unresponsive". I put on clothes and drove there. I ran upstairs and looked at her and I said I'm calling 911. She didn't want to go to the doctor and so I honored her wishes but I knew I needed to call. They came and I just paced back and forth outside with my brother and we just kept saying "Lord this is not what you said". Minutes later my dad came outside and said "they're saying she's gone". Me and Tony just said Okay.

Tony had said all we need to do is get to September because that's when the change is gone come.....and literally September 1st the change was there.

I had told my mom a few months ago I said "Mommy somebody must be getting ready to give you a car because I feel you giving this car to me so you need to pick out what you want so when they ask you you know." And she just smiled and said "my lord".

SHE KNEW! Me and Tony didn't even know what we were saying.

TOP: PRETTY LITTLE THING

SKIRT: FASHIONNOVA

Ya know, when I lost my Grandfather almost 9 years ago, I was furious with God and I do mean furious. I grieved so badly I wasn't sure I was going to live through it. But with this I'm amazed at the strength her and God have granted me and the access to maturity they've given because I told God I'm not mad at you I'm just hurt by what you did. I'm grateful to God that this time I'm not throwing a tantrum. I'm able to communicate like an adult and understand that you don't always get your way in life. That doesn't make God a bad father.

Someone asked me how I was doing today and my reply was "I'm Sad". I will miss forever and at points the pain is suffocating but even when I have my meltdowns they don't last long. It's like her and God have put a limit on how much I'll have to bare and I'm so very grateful. HE said he wouldn't put more on us than we could bare and with this though I feel like taking her was more than I'd ever be able to handle in life, the strength I feel I guess is revealing that I can bare a lot more than I thought.

TOP: PRETTY LITTLE THING

SKIRT: FASHIONNOVA

If you're dealing with grief, as somebody who just put her best friend and favorite person in the whole wide world in the ground YESTERDAY I can tell you that God can carry you if you want him to. If you chose anger you will limit what HE can do because you'll reject his help but if you can find the strength to believe that HE loves you enough to make even this work for your good, HE will carry you. You will never like everything HE does but God is a parent not a homie (though sometimes we call him that and there's nothing wrong with that just get what I'm saying in context). Good parents do what you need and not what you want because they understand that what you want sometimes can be counteractive to your life and the opposite of what you actually need. I therapeutically needed to do this today because I was up anyway. I think my ability to sleep late went in the ground with my mommy but it's all good.

I want to thank my Mommy for trying to stay just for me and Tony. Most people when they're in pain are ready to go but she was actually fighting to stay because she knew how we felt about her. God doesn't make them like that anymore but I'm going to do my best to get as close to that lady as I possibly can. That's why I sang for you yesterday. I had said I wouldn't and it hurt soooooo bad to do but I remembered when I was told how you felt about when I sing so I had to for you. I could hear you telling me "buss em up" (she said that to me before I sang because that's what Mattie Moss Clark used to tell Karen Clark Sheard), I haven't been sleeping so I didn't do the best job but you were worth the try.

So Linus has lost her security blanket at least to the naked eye but I literally will carry it with me always, Goooooood Grief!!

LONG LIVE QUEEN KAREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS

Sorry I didn't get better pictures of this outfit. I didn't even take these. I guess you can understand why I didn't. Nevertheless

LONG LIVE QUEEN KAREN