PRINCESS BRAT....I MEAN BRIDE

HOW WOMEN SOMETIMES BECOME PRINCESS BRATS INSTEAD OF GRACEFUL QUEENS

PHOTOGRAPHY: HOUSE OF 10126

GRAPHICS: HOUSE OF 10126

CLOTHING: MISFIT MAKINGS

Frikken Friday, Toast to that. And that of course means that against my better judgement I've decided to be to honest again and give you a telescope view on an area of my life that you probably should know nothing about. Sounds like fun right? What you won't do for a successful blog *rolls eyes

Been no secret that I've had an interesting love life to say the least. I used to actively call it a dumpster fire with all the sincerity contained in a nun convent but the Lord told me to stop saying that LOL. He really did. We kinda argued about it because I was like it ain't like I lied. #ijs I did listen though. I actually have a lot of wisdom in the area because failure sometimes grants more wisdom than success. I'm well aware of the times where I helped to either pour the lighter fluid or light the match in my dumpster fire. I also knew when I transitioned into the type of woman who was actively trying but who was also habitually attracted to men that were nightmares to infinity and beyond and to endure them I would've had to stay buzzed for a lightyear. (That bar is going in a song) Things got rather interesting here lately so I'm going to tactfully see where I can pick up the story and tell you what I learned in the last few or not so few days without telling it all. This will take a delicacy that I may only locate with a nap so I'm probably going to go to sleep here for a few hours but it will just be a new paragraph for you.

I'm learning that having and employing self worth is extremely important. (that's not the part I'm really learning, this is) However I'm also learning that a lot of things we've been taught and shown as women has kind of turned are species in some regards into little brats with nice eyebrows and a desire to only get their way in the manner that they want. Anything else is unacceptable. Most other females won't tell you but my friends that is actually what is unacceptable. Let me dive into my story.

If you follow this blog a little than you know I've hinted at the fact that I've had absolutely NOTHING going on in the romance department. That was the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me GOD. It wasn't because I didn't have interests but I'm just through tryna make honey out of vinegar. Isolation is a large part of my life for multiple reasons and for the first time in my life I am alone but not always lonely. It comes and goes but it's not a constant variable anymore so I don't have to try to force a situation that doesn't work because I need my phone to ring. I'm okay if it doesn't for days and weeks at a time. Would I like it to ring? Absolutely but my happiness isn't depended upon it anymore. (pause for backflip) This week though it rang (hello somebody) and I overall was glad that it did although it was extremely complicated at first and not pleasant. It resulted in time spent with the individual. I was told and assured that the time would be different and that things would be different from here on out. While that's what you want to hear it would do you better to see it. As women sometimes we get a lot of promises that are as empty as a hospital waiting room during COVID. Once men extract what they want things go back to default and you're left with a ton of non positive feelings and emotions. It took some real convincing that that wasn't going to take place here. For the record this individual has never made these promises but when you've experienced things as soon as you here certain words or are presented with similar experiences you can become haunted by the ghost of excursions past. ANYWAY! We spent some time together and when the time came to a close I actually was really happy which doesn't happen often. OMG I am the queen of spending time with people and at the end I am equally if not more confused than I was at the beginning. Often times you can also feel that the situation may have seemed cool at the time but in reflection the fog starts to clear and you realize you're screwed because somethings will never change and I'll do you one better half the time they don't even benefit you and you for the life of you can't figure out why you keep subjecting yourself to the torture. So I was happy but I started to realize that certain things that women are taught to consider as the holy grail did not occur. Like we sat and watched tv but I wasn't held (this isn't hypothetical I'm telling you what happened) so as good as the occasion went I was kind of like well I didn't have that so like how into me can he really be? or how intimate will he ever be with me? or he doesn't care because rule #96 says that men hold you when they care. So while driving I was pondering these things in my heart and then I realized something. This particular individual is notorious for just going to sleep once your presence is detected. They give you just enough warmth to keep you from being frostbitten. They also are not a night time person they go to sleep kind of early for their age. During my reminisce I realized that this person stayed up and was right next to me (they like space *rolls eyes) and they talked to me and laughed with me for over 4 hours. I'll do you one better. I then begin to look at the people who did cuddle and hold me and I'm just going to say that that particular grouping of men is not the category you want to be grouped within in my memory bank. I started to realize that some of the things that we've been taught to think matter actually don't mean anything (I wish I had the poop emoji on this laptop). The problem is we're taught that these are staples. So the thought process is I gotta cuddle and be held BUT he falls directly asleep you don't get to talk about any of the real things you wanted to talk about and all that cuddling doesn't make him care enough to be faithful or attentive.....but we still gotta have it. I received the equivalent of the feeling that being held produces but because it wasn't the way I wanted or have been programmed to believe I HAVE to receive it I'm not satisfied because you gotta do it "this way" or it doesn't count. Not for nothing but the things I was promised would be different were and there was real effort being made even before we were in each others presence.

PHOTOGRAPHY: HOUSE OF 10126

GRAPHICS: HOUSE OF 10126

CLOTHING: MISFIT MAKINGS

As women you have to learn not to overlook someone's effort because he didn't do everything I want so I'm trashing what he did do. Especially if you've had a relational past that mirrors mine which is when they're wrong or upset you there is NO apology. Not only is there not an apology but somehow the situation is flipped and somehow you wind up having to apologize for having feelings and emotions and so to keep future peace you just hold everything in so you don't argue. YEA NO! When you come from that and now you have somebody who will apologize and not only apologize but care that you're upset and not become upset so that you're both mad and then goes out of their way to actually follow through on what they said. If there are 11 I's and 17 T's and he only dots 6 I's and crosses 12 T's that is not a lost or waste when the predecessors didn't give a flying saucer freak. That's a major win and especially if it's somebody who tends to just do what they want and you know however you feel is your business (because that is him LOL). Their try will not resemble perfection because they usually don't care so the effort is perfection.

I was so surprised at the end of the day how much what I was programmed to believe mattered didn't matter and in fact what I got actually meant more to me than what I had been taught to believe. If there is a "takeaway" for women in this I'd like to say to not become a controlling manipulative manikin where it has to be your way or no way. If we will still arrive at our destination and you would take 3 rights and a left if that man wants to make 2 lefts 7 rights and a U turn but we still arrive where we're supposed to be? WHO FREAKIN CARES HOW WE GET THERE. Let him/them show you love the way that they express it. It may not be your way, that doesn't make his way wrong and that doesn't mean you need to edit his way. It just means your administering methods are different that's all. I'm not saying settle. Remember I didn't get what I thought I had to had but I was happier than I have been when I did get those things so it's not settling It's being wise enough to recognize what's important for real and what isn't. But don't settle. One thing I know is if you get a man to try and don't acknowledge it it's going to be dang near impossible to get that effort again. For the first time in a long time I feel optimistic about my happiness. And he's not who I thought it was or would be nor was I even going to become antisipitory however you can't keep saying it's going to get better and then keep being negative about potential situations because of how rough it's been. Without knowing it you're kind of countering your hope and saying it's always going to be like this so I can't get excited and that fights against the positive. Your faith is being fought by your fear that it will never get better. His effort though not in my form was so sincere that I actually feel assurance. And you know how assurance turned out with Jesus......it was blessed and he in turn was mine. LOL

PS

I never took the nap :D