THAT & THIS

WHY YOU NEED "THIS" SHIPWRECK SO YOU CAN SURF "THAT" WAVE.

PHOTOGRAPHER: HOUSE OF 10126

WONDATWIN SET: MISFIT MAKINGS

If 2021 has taught me one raw lesson, I'd say it is TRUST and I am referring to my unpredictable relationship with the Lord. That probably sounds like the last thing that I should be saying given the last 3 1/2 months but I'm saying it. When you trust an individual it gives them space to say and do things that people you don't trust can not. My mother could say anything to me and it may have pissed me off but I NEVER questioned the motive and that is because I trusted her. I trusted her because her love for me was Teflon, it was proven. Her timing? I questioned often. Her delivery? I was not always a fan of but when the motive is secure all of the other things fade away. December 26th I came home and I was sitting in the house and I was recapping Christmas in my head. During my recap I began to compare it with Christmas of 2012 and the 2013 and 2014 and I noticed a huge difference.

SET: MISFIT MAKINGS

PHOTOGRAPHER: HOUSE OF 10126

December 21st 2012 my Grandfather passed away and I was unequivocally heartbroken. Pop wore a lot of hats in my life and while having someone like that brings about a since of gratefulness, when they leave there is more than one void and it happens instantaneously and simultaneously. Needless to say Christmas that year was freakin horrible. I was a walking well of leaking water and it didn't stop with that year. Christmas changed forever. Until COVID I had never missed a Christmas morning at my grandparents and it was my absolute favorite part of the holiday. I was underprepared to deal with the grief and it showed in how I grieved. You fast forward to now and I spent time reflecting on this Christmas and was I sad? Yes I was. A very hard day on me emotionally. I ran out of the room to do a little hyperventilating and crying a time or two but overall I handled it so much better and that's because I knew what to expect. This of course caused me to have a moment and I had to tell the Lord thank you. I was furious with GOD when HE took my grandfather. I was hurt and I went down to almost 100lbs. I wouldn't fall asleep til 10 in the morning and then I would be up 3 or 4 hours later. I was so miserable. That made me even angrier at and with GOD because you knew I would handle this horribly and you still did it and just said ehh she'll be alright and I'm not alright and I really wasn't. How could HE be so inconsiderate? This isn't love, clearly you just want me to die, she said while sobbing. However now fast forward to 2021 and somehow losing the most important person to me feels manageable and it's because I've done this before. To this magnitude? NO! But this isn't unchartered territory for me and then suddenly I had tears in my eyes telling GOD THANK YOU! Thank you for what? For ignoring my tantrums and looking at the big picture. Thank you for looking ahead 9 years and knowing that if I don't put her through this now, she'll die in less than a decade. I literally said out loud "if you hadn't of done that, I wouldn't have survived this."

PHOTOGRAPHER: HOUSE OF 10126

WONDATWIN SET: MISFIT MAKINGS

The trick to life is having a non narcissistic, mature view. All I knew 9 years ago was that I was in excruciating pain. I actually thought I was sick after Pop died due to the weight loss. I was eating so I thought (and I really was from what I remember) but kept losing weight. Crushed was the adjective but the reality was I was in boot camp. There are without question situations that suck and you legit are trying to figure out where the freak GOD is. Who loves somebody and puts them through this? Often the sentiment and from your point of view it is appropriate but this is where the trust factor comes in. If there is one person who can shipwreck your life and still make sure you get to shore it is Jesus. The truth of the matter is whatever your that is I can promise you that you need it. There is a "this" coming that you know not of and if you do not get the experience of "that" (which is your current this) then your future "this" will kill you. It will be a wave you're unprepared to surf because when HE was trying to take you out and teach you how to surf you quit and stood on the shore.

Greatness does not spring from mediocrity. Greatness is composed of adversity produced triumph. Triumph that will never be reached if you don't learn how to trust.