THE GAIN OF LOSING MY MOMMY

A DREAM ME AND HER BOTH HAD THAT HAD ONE MEANING UNTIL SHE LEFT ME

PHOTO: HOUSE OF 10126

CLOTHING: MISFITMAKINGS

My love life has always been a point of very specific concern for me. I remember when we would watch movies in kindergarten and first grade and when people would kiss and the whole class would say "ewwww" and my response was "what are you gonna do on your wedding day"? I've always just thought differently and been my own person. Along with that I've always been an advocate for love. I think because of the loneliness that my life introduced on me early it made me want that spot filled very early on in life. Since the loss of my mother, for the first time ever, that is not the #1 concern for me. The Lord told me at the end of last year (through someone else) that HE was going to fill the void. I found that comforting because I was just glad to know GOD was cognoscente of the void itself, for 1 and then the effect that it had on me. So needless to say on September 1st when my mommy left I said to the Lord you told me you were going to fill the void which was in reference to a husband. I said not only is it not yet filled but you took my mom and now its a freakin gulf. And while I was and am so heartbroken over the lost of my mom I have to laugh because it's like she's still looking out for me even in this because she was just freakin awesome like that.

When you lose someone like this you learn that you have no room for anything else that could upset your peace, At least I don't anyway. Losing her has made me no nonsesne to an extent in my love life. While the support in that area has been massively underwhelming and almost heartwrenchingly awful I am so proud of me for not tolerating actions that are less than what I've given out. Love is about compromise, I'm all for that but there's a difference between compromise and settling all the time. Now because I have to keep my sanity I can't worry about is my phone ringing or not I have to worry about living after my reason to live has left me. Some losses are not losses, they are indeed gains in other areas.

PHOTO: HOUSE OF 10126

CLOTHING: MISFITMAKINGS

I went to my moms to just check on her and talk to her. Once I knew she wasn't feeling well along with some other things we had discussed so I started going over there pretty much every day from the end of June until September 1st. I told my mom that I had this dream where I was up during church in the mic and the congregation wasn't responding to me. My brother got up right after me and repeated the same exact things I was saying and they went up in a praise. I was up smiling pushing my brother and while he was up, they brought this baby that was crying to my mom. The baby was me, I was watching my brother and simultaneously watching them bring her this crying baby that I knew was me (it was really surreal). I was screaming until they handed me to her and then I stopped crying and she fed me. I woke up and didn't know how to feel. I told her and she said Riecee I was talking to Lady Caldwell and I told her there was this beautiful baby girl that was screaming crying and no one could get her to stop crying and I told them bring me that baby and Riecee when they gave me the baby she stopped crying and I said to Caldwell I don't know who the baby was.

I said Mommy it was me. ......this is a lot harder to type then I thought it would be. #deepbreath

PHOTO: HOUSE OF 10126

CLOTHING: MISFITMAKINGS

When I found out we had both had the dream about the baby it was kinda dope to me. The fact that no one could get me to stop crying other than her spoke to the way only she understood me and only she could comfort me. I thought the Lord was just saying that I was going to hit a season of my life where she would have to feed and comfort me at another level which isn't hard to understand being that she was also my Pastor. Needless to say when my mother passed not many days later the dream played back to me and I was confused and even angry with GOD because I felt mislead by the dream or at least by what I thought it meant. When I calmed down, which didn't take long because I was well aware that I was going to desperately need the Lord if I was going to live through this, I asked the Lord what was the point of that dream if HE was going to take my mother 2 months after having it? The response would seem rude to some but based on the turn somethings have taken it made perfect sense. And when your mature being right or wrong is irrelevant. You just want to understand

PHOTO: HOUSE OF 10126

CLOTHING: MISFITMAKINGS

HE said that there are certain areas where I never would have grown up if she stayed. There are areas I won't discuss where I've already accepted a big fat maturity pill and had to tell GOD yes where I never would have if she was still here. However in one area that I can discuss is that love life. I never would have had the strength to have this strength. I'd go to her and cry and she would feed me but I'd still be a baby. While I'll always be HER baby losing her sped my growth up. Usually I end with something clever but her and GOD were clever enough with this one. TTYL