THE MESS UP THAT STARTED WITH ME

HOW GRIEF MADE ME REALIZE THE CENTER OF FRUSTRATION IS OFTEN U!

PHOTO BY: HOUSE OF 10126

The first Thanksgiving without my mother consisted of me having a very critical conversation with myself. It was a delicate day as you could/would expect and I was just trying to do everything in my power to keep my spirits up. I was clearing out my email when I woke up and I was just looking at one email specifically that came from someone. I did not subscribe to them but because they work closely with someone I do subscribe to so I guess they were sharing mailing lists (and more power to em). The email was someone getting an early start on Black Friday like any good business minded person and they were offering a bundle on their two new books and I instantly got convicted because that is something I should have been able to do.

PHOTO BY: HOUSE OF 10126

I was making my bed (because yes I do that now LOL) and I was just looking at how I felt and all the things that I didn't feel like doing. When you are an introverted creative navigating through everyday life is an avalanche. Working is such a burden and so a lot of times you find yourself just thinking about how much you would rather just be getting paid through streams that your creativity are responsible for. Regular jobs drain me specifically because it really is a challenge for me to be around people. Small talk is a burden to me and I'm not even being funny. I am my favorite kind of company. You give me my mommy and or my boo (if there is one) and I'm good. Social situations are a strain and this includes a job right? So I was making my bed just thinking about how I really need somethings to shape and take form and I mean like freakin tomorrow and I was telling GOD how I'm too talented to not be paying my bills through streams of income that I engineered. I started naming all the areas I should be getting weekly checks from and my mind went back to the email.

PHOTO BY: HOUSE OF 10126

When I thought about the email I actually audibly repented because I realized something. People don't know that I have one book that is done. My mother edited it for me back in July. I actually finished a devotional YEARS and I do mean years ago and once I finished I never did anything with it) I have two more that I'm working on but haven't touched in months. The book that she did the editing for all I have to do is retype it with the edits or add them because it and all my books I'm working on, for now, are just going to be eBooks (I reiterate, for now). I literally said to myself: Riecee if GOD put you in your moment/time/season where the doors open for this or are actually open now, you wouldn't even know because you haven't finished any of them. I have two bags of clothes in my house that I purchased online after my Mommy and Uncle Lem died so that I could begin to create new looks and shoot them (because if you do not know, I do have a clothing line and it's usually featured right here on this blog though today is one of the rare occasions where it is not). I am embarrassed to admit that I have not cracked the seal on any of those bags. All of that stuff is in my house untouched. So Black Friday has arrived and that is the SuperBowl for my profession (or that side of me that is in that field) and I'm not even prepared for it. My photographer told me they're ready tomshoot WEEKS AGO, I'm literally dropping the ball in all the areas. So if the doors and opportunities are there for me, I wouldn't know it and no one could present them to me because I haven't put my self in a position to be seen as a legally viable candidate.

PHOTO BY : HOUSE OF 10126

By all human standards I have every right to not feel like doing anything. I've stated what my relationship with my mother was like previously on this blog. She was my reason for living. I'm not married. I don't have kids, no fiance. My reason for existing and fighting was her. Even in regards to my dreams, it was about her being proud and me being able to give her things that she freakin deserved 10xs over. With her departure I just am in a world that I never fathomed. The fatigue I feel, the need to just relax and breathe is legal by normal standards but I can't be disgusted with certain situations and norms and also choose the siesta approach right now. Either I want to worship my grief or I want to let it drive me right to where I want to be. I legitimately realized that I was putting something on GOD's shoulders that was on mine. You can be the most skilled talented person on the face of the freakin planet but if you're not putting the work in nobody is going to care including GOD. HE can sit me in the time I've been waiting for and I literally not know it because my work ethic is stuck in frustration.

PHOTO BY: HOUSE OF 10126

Mental Illness, Mental Moments, Depression, Grief are these taboo buzz words now and everybody is so happy that we're talking about it and addressing it but the truth of the matter is your ability to successfully maneuver through them all will depend on you. I missed my chance to capitalize on Black Friday because I've been winded. I missed my shot at Cyber Monday too. What I have not missed is my chance to let my grief fuel my drive. You can't run from it but you can run with it. Make sure that certain frustrations you feel don't have your signature at the end and if it does be honest enough to admit it. Denial denies you access to being better. We can do this, Get It Done!